April 10, 2013

What Now?

I think I slept 3 hours last night. Why, why does this keep happening? I want off this emotional roller coaster. Stop the ride, I demand my money back!

We are no longer talking about slicing and dicing Linda open so she can be done with cancer and move on with her life. We are entering the twilight zone. At this point, it's a matter of life or death. OK, perhaps I am being a bit overly dramatic, but if you have never heard your name married to the word cancer, you have NO idea what I’m talking about. Even if you've heard a loved one’s name with the word cancer, it’s still not the same. Call me conceited, but this is now an issue of MY mortality.

I am not insane. I know I will die one day. Preferably at a ripe old age after I attend my grandchildren’s weddings and hold a few great-grandchildren in my arms. Somehow being told I have cancer makes all those dreams quickly wash away and I begin to wonder if I’ll even be here next year. My mortality is staring me in the face, taunting me … “So whatchaya gonna do now, bitch?”

What am I gonna do now? The obvious answer is FIGHT LIKE HELL. How can I not? That is what everyone expects of me. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I feel so defeated and it’s only just begun.  

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